This election has been as historic as its candidates and their surrogates have been retarded. The number of milestones crossed is rivaled only by the number of times someone said or did something jaw-droppingly stupid. Herewith is a quick rundown of the five stupidest campaign trail blunders, according to our own dumbass opinions.
1. Levi agreed to marry Bristol
Knocking up the Governor's daughter is one notch on the belt that any cocksman as skilled as Levi Johnston would be a fool to pass up. When a young man as sexually and sensually alive as Levi manages something like that at the young age of 17, it's clearly the beginning of his career as a playboy, and he's not looking for a chance to settle down.
For the sake of the campaign, though, he was asked to make an honorable woman out of our Bris-Bris, and he was surely bribed with promises of the White House helping him out with his hockey career or his country music novelty song career or whatever the hell a redneck dropout playboy like Levi would want to do with his life. Now that the White House dream is receding though, Mama Palin will surely not let Levi back out of the deal. 2012 is right around the corner, and she's going to make sure he doesn't walk out on her little girl. The future of the far right depends on it.
2. Those two weeks of Democratic pants-shitting after Sarah Palin joined McCain's ticket
Holy crap! Remember when we all thought it was over? Just because someone's Mom got onstage and started shitting on community organizers for 40 minutes? This was more evidence than ever that the Democratic Party has the self-esteem of a battered woman. We know we're going to get our asses kicked, and we just assume that's the way it's supposed to be. Hopefully Obama will win big enough to give the party a little boost in the confidence department.
3. Biden delivered a speech titled, "The End of the World Will Occur Exactly Six Months From January 20th, 2009"
Yes, we all love making fun of Mr. Foot in the Mouth, but what the hell was he even trying to say there? If you just wandered in in the middle you'd assume you were at a book club discussion of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road." It's not gaffes or "rhetorical flourishes." In Biden's case, it has to be pain pills. That's the only way to explain it.
4. Obama revealed his closely guarded communist agenda to an unlicensed plumber he happened to bump into in the street
Everyone knows that Democrats are the party of Karl Marx and medical marijuana. But you're not supposed to say it out loud! And to a guy like Joe the Plumber no less? If we saw Joe The Plumber in the street we'd assume he's coming to beat us with a tire iron because we dress queer. We certainly wouldn't stop and tell him that we plan to end capitalism. Smarten up Barack!
5. Ashley Todd scratched a backwards B in her face when a backwards O would have been much more convincing
Of all the stupid things that are wrong with that Ashley Todd scam, this is the one that we just can't get our heads around. Why not an O? It's immediate. It's easy to carve. And you can't do it effing backwards! If it had been an O, we predict that story would have stayed alive through the whole weekend. Instead, they picked it apart within 18 hours. Crazy is one thing, but crazy and stupid? That's just bad politics.
Other stupid moments:
Bill Clinton's entire primary season performance - Dennis Kucinich admitting that he'd seen a UFO during one of the debates - Rudy 9-11's decision to bypass all the early primaries and focus on Florida - Hillary ignoring all the caucus states - McCain's economy strong/economy in crisis, suspending campaign/but not really, cancelling debate/debating anyway week of absurdity - and really the STUPIDIST MOMENT EVER: Choosing Sarah Palin in the first place.
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